Requiem for a Radar Technician
by Luno97
Summary: So y'all know that SNL skit? I couldn't resist. May or may not add a little bit more to it later. *update 2/2/2016* Finally posted the second chapter. You guys are probably gonna hate me a little. Oops.
1. Chapter 1

Requiem for a Radar Technician

"Stupid jerk face," Keylo Ren A.K.A Matt the radar technician muttered as he headed to the common area. He had memorized the Stormtrooper's I.D, and the moment he was done being Matt, he was going to kill the crap out the guy. He walked into the noisy common area, filled here and there with a handful of Stormtroopers and officers, and, grabbing a tray that held a banana, turkey sandwich, and creamed corn, he joined Zack and Tim at their usual table.

"How's it going, Matt?" Zack asked, shoveling creamed corn into his mouth.

"Oh, it's going," he answered, trying his best to sound like one of the guys. "It's so going. How are you two fellas doing on this wonderful day on Starkiller Base?"

Tim shrugged nonchalantly. "Eh, doing okay, I guess," he answered. "Just another day, you know?"

"Yeah, totally," Matt said earnestly. "Totally. So you guys wanna talk about how awesome Kylo Ren is? I hear he can twirl his light sabre like a baton. Without even hurting himself. It's effortless."

Tim squinted his eyes, unimpressed. "That seems pretty dangerous. I mean, it's a light sabre. Those things can seriously maim a guy. He shouldn't play with it like it's a toy. That shows an extreme lack of unprofessionalism."

"YOU'RE UNPROFESSIONAL, TIM!" Matt shouted, and force-threw him into the wall on the other side of the room.

After several moments of uncomfortable silence, Zack spoke. "So…you having a good day so far?"

"Oh, yeah," Matt answered casually. "I can't complain."

"Yeah, same here," Zack responded.

"Oooh," Tim moaned from the other side of the room. "I think my arm's broken."

"No one cares, Tim!" Matt yelled, throwing his sandwich at the Stormtrooper.

Just then, the door opened, revealing General Hux. Immediately, Zack stood. "General," he acknowledged.

"Officer," Hux replied, walking up to him. He didn't so much as glance at Matt as he asked, "Do you have those reports I asked for?"

"Yes, sir," Zack answered, and handed Hux a stack of papers. "Here you are, sir."

Matt abruptly stood between the two men. "Hi," he said. "I'm Matt. I'm a radar technician.

Hux glanced at him with disdain. "Good for you," he said dismissively. He glanced back at Zack and said, "Come with me, officer. I need to discuss these reports with you."

"Yes, General," Zack replied, and they both turned to leave the room.

Matt followed. "So what do you think about Kylo Ren?" he asked, his eyes trained on Hux. "I heard he has amazing hair. Thick, luxurious locks that are the cause of envy by all who look at it."

"Ren's hair is a shaggy monstrosity," Hux said with disinterest, his eyes never leaving the reports. "If you ask me, he should cut the whole thing off."

Matt froze.

Zack tensed and whispered, "Oh, no."

Hux stopped and turned to face Matt, seeming to really notice him for the first time. "Don't you have a job to do somewhere?" he asked.

"FUCK YOU, HUX!" Matt exploded. "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO MAINTAIN HAIR LIKE THAT? HOURS, HUX. HOURS. AND IT SHINES WITH THE LIGHT OF A THOUSAND SUNS." Furious, he strode forward, grabbed Hux's hat right off his head, and chucked it at Zack's face with such ferocity that he fell backwards. As Matt stormed off, he shouted over his shoulder, "YOU WISH YOUR HAIR LOOKED HALF AS GOOD AS KYLO'S!"

Hux stared after him, shocked at the lowly radar technician's explosive temper. "Who in the name of Snoke was that?"

Zack picked himself up off the ground and handed Hux his hat. He too stared after Matt and said solemnly, "I'm pretty sure that was Kylo Ren, General."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

By the end of the day, Matt was utterly exhausted. He smothered a yawn as he made his way back to his room, all the while thinking about the day he'd had. He couldn't stop thinking about the general's comments regarding his hair. Although he would never admit it, Hux's words had hurt him.

Matt scowled. Why should I care about what that gingerbread man has to say? he thought firmly. I have the best hair in the First Order, and he knows it.

As Matt wondered the base, lost in thought, he almost didn't notice the general in question standing several feet in front of him. "Matt, the radar technician," he announced slowly, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "I have a job for you."

Matt paused, wary of the look in Hux's eyes. "My shift ended over twenty minutes ago," he protested.

Hux narrowed his eyes at the radar technician. "You work for the First Order," he stated firmly. "Your shift is never over. Follow me." With that, he turned and began to walk away.

Matt would blow his cover if he didn't do what the general said. Groaning inwardly, he followed. The pair walked down a series of corridors until they finally stopped at a nondescript door.

Without looking at Matt, Hux opened the door and said simply, "The air conditioning in my room is broken. I need you to fix it."

Matt grumbled silently to himself. "Sure thing, general," he growled. As he stepped into the room, he noticed it looked remarkably similar to his own room, right down to the black sheets covering the king-sized bed. He meandered around a little, searching for the air conditioner, but he could not find it. Behind him, he heard Hux shut the door.

Matt spun to face him, annoyed. "Well, where is it at?" he demanded.

Hux glared at him and removed his gloves. Setting them on a nearby dresser, he said, "Forget about the air conditioner, Ren. I needed an excuse to bring you here so we could speak privately."

Matt's eyes widened with surprise. "Ren?" he inquired innocently. "I'm not Kylo Ren, even though I totally wish I was. I'm Matt the radar-"

"Oh, give it a rest, Ren," Hux snapped. "You have no one fooled about who you really are. You're not exactly good at blending in."

Kylo's cover was officially blown. He scowled and demanded, "Was that an insult?"

"It was merely an observation," Hux answered calmly. He took a step forward. "Listen to me, Ren," he began. "I'm going to be honest with you. You're a strong man. You're easily the strongest person on this base. In the whole system, even. Everyone knows this."

Kylo's heart skipped a beat. Was the general actually praising him? Trying to act as though this did not affect him, he said, "Of course I am. The Supreme Leader himself knows this to be true."

"Yes, he does," Hux agreed. He crossed his arms and continued. "It is precisely because of Supreme Leader Snoke that I am telling you this. You are physically very powerful, yes, but you emotions render you weak."

Kylo's eyes widened with shock and anger. "What was that, general?" he asked softly.

"Your emotions make you weak," Hux repeated firmly. "You lack control. Supreme Leader Snoke taught you to use your anger and hatred to aid you in battle, not to allow them to consume you. This makes you sloppy and easily overwhelmed." Hux frowned. "Not to mention unprofessional. I cannot allow you to mouth off to me in front of my subordinates. It makes me look weak as well. Learn to control your temper."

Kylo clenched his fists, filled with rage. "How dare you lecture me on my attitude?" he demanded. "You are beneath me, general. You will do well to remember your place."

Hux shook his head with disgust. "See, there you go again with that explosive temper of yours. All I am trying to do is aid you in becoming a better leader, and yet you belittle me."

"If the Supreme Leader has a problem with how I operate on this base and in battle, he can tell me himself," Kylo growled. "I don't need him to send you to me, complaining about my bad attitude."

Hux glared at Kylo with thinly veiled anger. "I'll be sure to inform Supreme Leader Snoke of this," he spat. "Shall I also inform him of how you stole my hat from my head like a child?"

Kylo's face flushed bright red. "You made fun of my hair!" he yelled indignantly.

Hux threw up his hands in exasperation. "You are nothing but a child," he growled. "A tantrum-throwing child. It's just hair. Who gives a damn if I think it's ridiculous?" He glanced at his bed, which was now shaking violently, as was the dresser. "Now, calm yourself," he demanded. "You're going to break something."

"You're the one who's ridiculous!" Kylo shouted, shaking as hard as the bed and the dresser. "You don't know anything! My hair is amazing! It's the most beautiful thing on this force-forsaken base!"

"Oh, will you shut up about your hair already?" Hux snapped. "Why are you making such a big deal about it?"

"Because it's the only thing about myself that I actually like!" Kylo exploded.

Hux blinked at him, surprised. Silently, Kylo cursed at himself for revealing so much to the general.

After several moments of awkward silence, Hux spoke softly. "You don't belong here, Ren." With something like pity in his eyes, he turned and left without another word.

Kylo stared after him for a long while. He didn't even realize he was crying until he could no longer clearly see out of the lenses of his glasses.


End file.
